The Holocron Confessions
by thejedisentinel
Summary: Revan's holocron diary. The one you didn't know about, until just now.
1. Chapter 1

===RECORDING COMMENCED===

Testing... testing... hello. Hello? One, two, three, four, five. I think I've built a holocron.

Master Zez-Kai Eil wears an earring. He also has more hair on his face than on his head.

Testing, testing...

===RECORDING ENDED===

===RECORDING COMMENCED===

Uh... first proper entry! I... guess I'll just state for the record that this holocron is the property of _Revan_... Jedi Knight - one day, hopefully - and uh, I built this sort of as an experiment. There's a fair amount of reading in the Archives on the subject of holocrons; not many Jedi have built them - and then it's usually some old, _boring_, hairy-eared Master - so I thought it would be fun to try and build one, see how far I got. That's about it.

Looks like I've been successful. Which _really _pleases me, since it means that droids aren't the only thing I'm capable of putting together... not that I'm going to publicise this - Master Kae would have a _field day_, and I would **die** of _embarrassment_!

She already goes on and _on_ about how 'clever' I am with droids. If she found out that her _Padawan_ actually put a _holocron_ together, the Order would **never** hear the end of it.

So you'll have to be kept _quite_ secret, little holocron. I guess that makes you my diary.

Maybe I should say something about myself? If you're going to be around for ages, and holocrons seem to have a habit of sticking around, it would be kind of cool to... you know, one day - in the future, when I'm older, and a Knight, to look back over the years. And maybe laugh at myself? Master Kae says it is good to be able to laugh at oneself, and that it helps a being to keep their sense of perspective. As Jedi we're constantly reminded to have realistic assessments of self, to be reflective, especially in relation to our shortcomings.

You could really help with that, holocron. The looking back and being reflective bit.

Uh... about myself - I am eighteen, and Master Kae's Padawan. There's a chance that this may change in the near future... along with my age. Master Kae says that she has taught me all she can, and has hinted that Master Zhar is better placed to complete my training. She's even started to 'hand over' my education to Master Zhar.

...I do not know know I feel about this, actually. Kind of both happy and sad. It would be _great_ to learn more, and Master Zhar is so incredibly _learned -_ I suppose you could call it 'loyalty': Master Kae did teach me for a very long time, ever since she chose me as a youngling for her own Padawan, and I always thought I'd be taking my Trials under her tutelage. Master spoke to me about this just a few days ago. She said that as Jedi, we should beware attachment, and that if I were to allow my loyalty to her as my Master to stand in the way of reaching my "full potential" then that would be attachment indeed.

Is that really what 'attachment' is? The issue is _totally_ confusing... Jedi all seem to have differing opinions, some are even _married _and have sprogs, for fierfek's sake - so where did this 'bottom line' on attachment come from? Also, I am _dead certain _that at least one of the Masters from Coruscant who were here a couple days ago was _totally_ giving _my_ Master **the eye**.

Note to self: do _not_ point out these things to others in future unless asked for your opinion, Revan!

Erm, going back - my best friend is Alek, he's also a Padawan, my age. He's the closest thing I've got to a brother. Not that I know what 'brothers' _are_ in practice... but that's a phrase that beings seem to throw around a lot when they're talking about their best buddies, and Alek and I are pretty close, so I guess that makes him kind of like a brother.

...the 'attachment' thing doesn't seem to have stopped Alek from chatting up girls, which he is getting _seriously_ good at. I may have to steal lines from him some day.

He claims he is practising his diction, but we both know that's just a dumb excuse.

Fierfek. I have to go wash younglings' nappies now, thanks to my big mouth. Frack.

Talk to you later, holocron.

====RECORDING ENDED===


	2. Chapter 2

===RECORDING COMMENCED===

Today is, without a doubt, the single most_ horrid_ day I've had in _all_ my life.

Master Zhar found me in the kitchen garden this morning. He took me aside so that we could talk privately.

That takeover of my training I spoke about a couple days ago - that's going to happen faster than I _ever_ thought. Master Zhar will take over from _tomorrow_ onwards.

**Tomorrow**! I was _stunned_. I wanted to know what Master was going to do, and Master Zhar said that that was a question best answered by Master herself. Then he gave a funny sort of cough, which made me wonder, _is there something he's not telling me_? Like, there is _something I ought to know_ - but he's... **not** saying it? And _why_?

I still feel like I'm having a bad dream. Only I know this _isn't_ a dream, and it's frickin' **real**.

...Force, I wish all this _were_ a bad dream.

Then at least I could wake up, and laugh about it. But I _can't_.

*sigh*

...maybe it was tactless of me - maybe I shouldn't have, but I asked Master Zhar, why the rush - I thought that Master would be handing me over in the summer - but it's only spring...?

We were kind of strolling around the kitchen garden as we talked and we were standing next to the cabbage patch at this point. I'll _never_ forget it as long as I live.

Master is leaving.

She is _leaving_. **Leaving**.

_She is leaving the Order_.

**THE ORDER**.

My heart nearly _stopped_. I must have looked like I was about to _faint_ because Master Zhar grabbed my hand and squeezed it really hard and said something like "Courage! Courage!", but it was all Toydarian to me - the only thing I could think of was that Master was going.

_Going_.

Where! _Why_? I mean - she's **so** dedicated, and she's lovely and kind and _she's my Master_ - and, and, a _really good_ Jedi, **why** would she leave the Order - it didn't make _sense_...

I probably owe Master Zhar an apology now, because I kind of lost it at that point and I ran off to look for Master.

Master was in her quarters, folding up an extra change of clothes and putting it into a travelling bag. The little Echani figurines she used to have on the shelf next to her cot were gone. It's like - her room was completely devoid of _anything_ that was _her_. Like she had never been there. _Ever_.

And then I noticed she wasn't carrying her comlink... and that _she didn't have her lightsaber_ anymore.

Do you know what _that_ means?

It means a Jedi has been cast out of the Order. _Cast out_! My Master - an _outcast_! A Jedi's lightsaber is the work of their own hands, but if the Order exiles you, casts you out, you can't even take _that_ with you. Not even a shard of crystal. _That's _how _serious _exile is.

Do you know how **sad **she was? I could _feel_ it in the Force.

She was hurting so badly that she didn't even sense_ me_ coming to look for her - and if _my_ Master can't sense a being around, you know that something's _seriously_ wrong.

And... I'll never forget this, either.

My Master was crying.

_Crying_!

There were, these, these streaks down her face and I saw them when she looked up - and it _really broke my heart_, holocron. My Master has **never** cried before. _Never_.

I asked her where she was going. How would she live? The Order is all my Master - **any **of us! - have known, our _entire_ lives. It's more than just a 'job' - it's a _way of life_. Jedi - _most_ Jedi, at least - don't have families. And Master isn't exactly a _Draay_, who are all up to their eyeballs in credits. _Who's going to look out for her_? How is she going to get by? Will she be able to find... _honest_ paying work?

She said she didn't know.

And then I got really, _really_ frightened - worried, yes, but more frightened than anything - how do I put this? I may have spent nearly all my eighteen, nearly nineteen years, in the Order. But that doesn't make me a _nerf-herder_. The galaxy is a rough place, and it can be so incredibly **cruel**. I know that from all that I've seen on my travels outside the Enclave with Master, and I've seen the _depths _to which desperation can drive a being.

There's_ so much_ that can go wrong in the galaxy - _especially _for beings with no credits. _Female_ beings with no credits and in desperate circumstances have it the **worst**... and there are places - beings - who'll gladly take advantage of that desperation and just... just... _use_ a woman, take away her dignity, because all too often it's the _only _thing of value she has left to _sell_.

_Am I being paranoid_? I know Master is capable - she's taught me **so** much - but Jedi are so widely misunderstood, and our skill set is so... _specific_... am I crazy for being this scared for Master?

The idea that Master might be reduced to _selling _herself on a street somewhere appalled me _entirely_. So I emptied out every fold in my tunic and every single pouch on my belt down to the very last credit, and I insisted that Master take it all. _Frack_. I feel so** shit** now for having spent some going out last week with Alek. Otherwise I could have given Master _more_. Frack!

I wanted to know if Master and I could still talk after she left the Enclave behind, if we could still keep in touch. Master cried again and gave me a hug - something she's not done since I turned thirteen and told her I was "too big for hugs"... and she said that someday, _soon_, I'd become a Knight - that she could _see_ it in the future for me, and that I must _never_ let the Order down - and then she promised that one day, after I am Knighted, when the time is right, she _would_ find me.

When I asked Master why the Order had made her leave, she kind of smiled at me... a strange, _sad_ sort of smile... and she straightened my tunic like she used to do when I was a kid, and she said that it had to do with "a misunderstanding".

"What about?" I asked. "Love," she said.

I told Master that I did not understand. Then Master smiled again, cried a little more and said that one day, I would.

Then she said something else, which I didn't understand either... but I **know** it's important, and that she **meant** for me to understand it, so I've committed it to memory... and maybe one day I _will_ understand -

"This is my last teaching to you, Revan. Love is like a plant. It _cannot_ live without Light. Our Code is _empty_ without it. Learn what love _truly is_, and _how_ to love. Train that plant as you would a hedge, and it will guard you, and tell you when the Light is failing in you."

Then my Master left.

I feel so **desolate**, holocron.

===RECORDING ENDED===


	3. Chapter 3

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Hey there, holocron. It's been a while.

Life has been... well, _different_, I guess. Gradually getting used to the idea that Master Kae isn't part of the Order any more, and to Master Zhar's method of instruction, which is _very_ different from what I've been accustomed to. For one, his emphasis on book learning is much greater than Master Kae's. For another, he's also very big on novel applications of the Force. To some extent this is only natural - the man's a _Consular_, and Consulars are as famous for being academic as they are for diplomacy. Speaking of which, I have a suspicion that perhaps Master Zhar's willingness to set me extensive 'research' work in the Library has less to do with his preferred teaching method than with respect for my... personal space.

...I still miss Master Kae, holocron. _A lot_. Letting go is far easier in theory than in actual practice. Knowing the Code is one thing: putting it to work - whole different story.

I think it's perfectly natural that I should miss someone who has played such a big part in my life, especially in my formative years. For lack of a better word, Master Kae was... like a _parent_ to me. I mean, I **do** know who my 'real' parents, the people who birthed me, are... but all I know of them is what is stated in the Enclave's records: their names, occupations, where they resided at the time of my birth and gifting to the Order... but beyond that, I don't _know_ them. They're faceless names to me. But Master Kae is a whole different story. She was one of the young Knights who looked after us in the creche, and then when I was old enough, she chose me as her own Padawan. You could say I grew up under her guardianship and care, and from all I've heard of mothers from beings who actually have them, Master Kae was _exactly that_ to me.

And now she's gone. My sense of loss is so, **so** real.

Which is why I'm very grateful that Master Zhar is being so... hands-off with my instruction, at least thus far. It gives me the time and space I need to think things through. I guess I'll never know _exactly why_ the Council saw fit to expel Master Kae, but the _reason _doesn't matter. The _only_ legacy that Master Kae has in the Order is **me**. Years from now, people - Jedi or otherwise - who don't know her as I do, and who hear of her expulsion from the Order, may conclude that she was expelled because she was a failure of a Jedi... or even that she messed up in my instruction... or something equally insulting.

I don't want that to happen. So, I've really been pushing myself ever since coming under Master Zhar's tutelage, striving not just to meet his expectations, but to surpass them if possible. I want him to see that Master Kae left behind a top-notch student; that she was _never_ remiss in her instruction, that whatever the Council thinks of her, she raised a fine Jedi of a Padawan. It's the very least I can do for my Master, holocron.

...unfortunately, I think that purpose of mine has already been significantly compromised. It's a long story.

See... Padawans are the _worst_ gossipers around for parsecs, and speculation about the whys and wherefores of Master Kae's expulsion is rife. Mostly I shrug it off: idle gossip only lives as long as it has an audience. But some things are downright _impossible_ to ignore.

A couple days ago there was a really annoying female Zabrak Padawan from the Core who was here on a visit with her Master. That girl! She started mouthing off at our table during dinner that she'd heard from her best friend that her Master's former Padawan's _own_ Padawan had heard from someone _else_, who is allegedly a 'reliable source' from - of all places! - _Tatooine_, that a certain recently-expelled Jedi Master from the Enclave had been cast out of the Order because she was addicted to _spice_, among other things.

I was totally prepared to let that pass, because... fact is, I've heard it before. But then she said something that made me lose interest in my food _entirely_: she insinuated that this Master had, well, had... ah... behaved... _inappropriately_ with her Padawan. And that she had, at the time of her expulsion, actually been - you know, i_n the family way_? - by her **own** Padawan. What the kriff?

...look. It really says something when an _entire _table of chatty Padawans goes completely silent. I don't believe there is a single soul on the Enclave that _doesn't_ know me, at least by sight; and _everyone_ knows that there's only been **one** Master from the Enclave who has been expelled, in _recent history_.

And _everyone_ knows that **I'm **the Padawan whose Master was cast out.

I mean - _man_! How **stupid** can a being be, right? _What the kriff_? Seriously! Did this girl never **think** that the Padawan she was impugning might be at the _same table_? Or that he might even be within earshot? For a moment I really was at a _total_ loss. I mean, how - what - how does one react, what would the appropriate response be? Knocking someone up - this is stuff the guys kid about lots, _especially_ Alek, the local crude and 'fresher humour expert; but whatever this girl said was _totally_ beyond the pale.

And you could tell that she was really, _really_ pleased with herself. Like she'd just made the largest scoop_ ever_ in the history of the HoloNews.

My first reaction was that I wanted to pick up my food tray and knock myself out with it, it was **that** absurd. Then I got angry - _really _angry, like... I don't think I've ever been _that_ mad before, and it wasn't a nice feeling at all! ...I wanted to throw _something_ at her or yell or... or just **snap**, and at the same time, I just knew I had to keep it all down, because if I were to fly off the handle, it might be construed as 'proof' of her allegations by some _fool_ out there. Everyone was staring at me by this time. EVERYONE. Even Miss Super Battle Meditation, who mostly keeps to her little group of friends. Anyway... I knew that I had to get out of there, or I would _totally_ lose it.

In my consternation, I didn't realise that the corner of my food tray was sticking out. One of the pouches on my belt brushed it as I stood to leave. Next thing I know, my tray's flipped over, and the Twi'lek kid in front of me has a face full of sauce. _Hot sauce_. In the **eyes**. For reasons that escape me entirely, Alek took it into his head that I had actually decided to "make a point" by flipping my _own_ tray over. So he deliberately got up and flipped _his_ tray over, only - this being **Alek** - he had to be _dramatic_ and stab an accusing finger at the Zabrak girl while shouting something like "_You_!", followed by the old 'I'm watching you' finger-pointing thing.

...then the Twi'lek kid started hollering blue murder, because the hot sauce was stinging his eyes. This prompted the Miralukan _genius_ next to him to chuck a tumblerful of water into his face to wash out the sauce, only in his haste he forgot it wasn't water but juice. So much for seeing through the Force.

The situation deteriorated faster than a warehouse exposed to a troop of Kowakian monkey-lizards. _Everyone_ at our table started shouting. Juice, water, caffa... grain, beans, various food items started flying _everywhere_ as several of Alek's friends followed his example and flipped _their_ trays over; and then the jokers two tables down from us, who hadn't the _faintest_ idea what had actually just happened, started a _food fight_ amongst themselves, which spread like **wildfire** - in less than a minute, the _entire_ dining room was in a state of absolute _chaos_: there was so much _noise_ it was as if the Great Sith War was being played out in our dining room.

By the time the Masters and some Knights arrived to sort out the mess, four tables had been overturned, the floor was literally invisible, the youngest Padawans were bawling, and the Twi'lek kid had been doused with practically every beverage a Padawan could ever care to drink at dinner.

To cut a long story short, Master Vrook ordered an investigation into the 'Unfortunate Incident at Dinner'. No prizes for guessing **who's **been found responsible.

...at least Alek will be washing 'freshers for the next _three weeks_ with me. I shall be sure to remind him that that's what _friends_ are for.

=== END RECORDING ===


	4. Chapter 4

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Just a quick note, holocron.

Master Zhar pulled me out of the Library five hours ago, and told me to pack at once and make my way to the local spaceport. He was very short on details. Threw everything I could think of into a bag and legged it. Alek caught up with me as I was running down the stairs. If he keeps up those bannister-sliding antics of his, he's going to need a new pair of trousers _very_ soon. Shuttle was waiting when we got there... jumped in together with Ferron, who like the rest of us, had absolutely _no_ clue _what_ we were doing.

Ferron's drawing has improved considerably, by the way. He did an impromptu sketch of everyone as they were seated in the transport, on the way up, and it was **brilliant**. It's a real pity that his Master doesn't much approve of art, but then again, Master Lamar doesn't approve of _anything_, so what's new?

Docked with a Republic army transport orbiting Dantooine, where we were directed to a breakout room for a briefing. Lots of people - some whom I know, others whom I've never seen before... we were all either senior Padawans or freshly-minted Knights. There was a Master present to conduct the briefing, but I didn't know where he was from until he started talking. _Coruscant_...! He gave us the most cursory briefing I've ever heard.

Basically, we're being sent on fact-finding missions, to various places in the Outer Rim. What about? _Pirates_, apparently. Pirate raids with a high body count. There was some speculation from the rear of the room that it wasn't so much pirates as _unknown, sentient aggressors_ from the Unknown Regions, which was quickly put down. Alek asked if it might not just be a bad case of civil unrest, or gang warfare taken to the streets? Then someone ventured to suggest that the pirates might actually be **Mandalorians**: everyone laughed it off, because the Mandies were _roundly_ defeated in the last great war, and _nobody_ thinks they'll be coming back anytime soon.

Well, _what_ever or _who_ever it is, we - as Jedi - should always be willing to lend a helping hand where one is needed. And right now, the Republic is in no position to act decisively. We're still recovering from the economic, social and political effects of the last huge conflict. Sure, some systems bounced right back, but for every system that has pulled itself up, there's got to be at least _five_ others that are still struggling. And most of them are in the Outer Rim, where reliable hyperspace lanes are few and far between, and the folk are rough, trigger-happy, and not always the best trading partners. Sending uniforms into the Outer Rim to sniff around would make lots of folk very unhappy with Coruscant... and that's the **last** thing the Senate needs.

...

Erm. I... think someone_ really_ needs to use the 'fresher now. I've been in here too long! More later.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Time for another update.

Some developments since I last spoke. There are eight Knights on board this vessel, and about twenty-five or so Padawans. In accordance with instructions from Coruscant, we were collectively divided into eight units: three to four Padawans to a Knight. My unit has four Padawans including myself - Alek, Ferron and a Human girl from Coruscant who introduced herself as 'F'. Apparently her name has been the source of much amusement amongst the Padawans there, and she does not wish to repeat the experience. F it is, then! She seems the steady, quiet sort.

...given that Alek is sure to practice his smooth talk on F, would it be **very** wrong of me to engage in a little wager with Ferron over how long it'll take for her to cave, or slap him? Just a small amount... five credits, maybe...?

Anyway - as I was saying, each unit has been assigned to a world known to have seen recent pirate activity. Ours is Jebble. What would pirates want with_ Jebble_? It's all ice!

We will make planetfall in approximately a day and a half.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Weirder and weirder.

Jebble is practically uninhabited, except for the mines, which are mostly operated by Lhosan Industries. I can't see _what_ there might be here that would interest a proper pirate. There aren't any villagers to kidnap for ransom or sale on the slave market, there's no spice, no exceptionally dangerous beasts for the 'exotic' pet-lovers... in fact, I don't think Jebble has **any **wildlife at all. Why would pirates bother coming to a place where there's literally _nothing_ to steal?

Still, after hearing what our contact here had to say, I am starting to believe it's not so much 'pirates' that we're looking at, but barbarian marauders, or worse. Maybe there was something in the speculation that we're being attacked by some aggressive people from the Unknown Regions after all.

...I _don't_ think it's the Sith, though our Knight seems to be convinced that the Sith - or the Dark Side - is behind _everything_ suspicious in the galaxy. She's an odd one, this woman.

Our contact is the chief engineer of the largest mine on Jebble. He informed us that the entire planet is given over to various mining operations. Lhosan Industries is, by far, the largest player, with more than six thousand mines scattered across the planet. Each of these mines is supposed to communicate daily with headquarters on Taris, reporting on things like yield, manpower, logistics... the usual. In turn, headquarters monitors the output and needs of each mine and its workers, and reacts accordingly. Some months ago, five mines stopped communications with headquarters entirely. Attempts to re-establish contact proved futile, and so headquarters directed that security personnel from the larger mines be sent to investigate. Two investigation teams were sent out, and _both_ met with disaster.

The first expedition practically dropped off the radar nine days into their mission. Not a man save two of the original party of nineteen returned - one of them horribly disfigured, and the other, barely alive. Both men were too traumatised to talk, and died soon after their return.

Approximately two weeks later, a second expedition set out. Again, contact was lost just over a week following their departure. A month went by with absolutely no news - and then the workers from a mine in Sector Fourteen found a large crate outside their camp one morning. It contained the _heads, hands and feet_ of every member of the second expedition. Needless to say, no further attempts at investigation were made after that!

That two expeditions of fully-equipped, trained and armed security personnel have met with such grisly fates is disturbing. The fact that** fourteen** more mines since have, one after the other, mysteriously ceased reporting to headquarters or communicating with the central administration on Jebble, is even more so. The cumulative effect of these unexplained occurrences on the morale of those stationed here is palpable.

Ferron put it very neatly when he said that there is a generalised state of ill-concealed panic amongst the staff and workers here. Everyone, even those working and living the closest to central admin - and who are _theoretically_ the best-protected - are nervy and anxious. You don't need the Force to know that everyone is _terribly_ afraid of the something - or more likely, **someone** - out there, moving with murderous purpose, waiting, stalking...

This doesn't make** sense**. I mean, _pirates_ - **don't** make sense. It _doesn't_! Pirates are known for their quick attacks - they raid, pillage - but it's not in their interests to... well, _encroach_ - would that be the correct way of describing this?

...I mean, _one mine after another_...! Pirates just want **booty**. They don't care _where_ it comes from, so long as they get it, and if **I** were a pirate, I'd leave people and places mostly _intact_, so that I could drop by again sometime in the future for _more_. You know? And... a crate full of _body parts_...! If you ask me, that sounds more like a form of... _communication_, some primitive declaration of hostilities. Not exactly 'piratical', wouldn't you say?

No, no. Someone is going to a **lot** of trouble, I think, to make a point.

The question is, _why_? And _what point_ exactly? To what **purpose**? Why now? Why _here_? Why in this fashion?

I think these are very pertinent issues that _have_ to be addressed if we're ever going to get to the bottom of this. Tomorrow I shall make it the first order of my day to air my thoughts at breakfast. I wonder if the admin here will allow us to access the logs of the affected mines remotely?

Frack. I have a horrible, _horrible_ feeling about this.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

We accessed the logs from the central computer system today, and made several interesting discoveries:

1 - Business as usual at each of the five original mines until about two standard hours before they went permanently offline,  
2 - Main generator failures recorded at each mine, but does not seem to have been much of a concern,  
3 - Considerable deterioration in the quality of received communications with central admin and headquarters following the abovementioned failure, i.e. 'patchy', garbled or completely unintelligible; and  
4 - Secondary generators taken offline immediately before communications ceased.

While our Knight was busy reporting to Coruscant, F, Alek and I went through the last hour of recorded communications from the mines again, because Ferron swore that he'd heard "something different" in the recordings made shortly before the secondary generators went offline.

I couldn't hear _anything_ different - it was all static, and snatches of garbled conversation. F couldn't make out anything of interest either: neither could Alek. But Ferron was _convinced_ that he'd heard something. He even replayed the specific portions where he said there had been something odd, but _none _of us could hear the difference. We all thought he was imagining things, until our Knight came back. She listened to what Ferron had to say, and immediately instructed us to have the recordings in question thoroughly analysed.

Holocron, remind me **never** again to doubt the ears of a Cathar. Ferron _did_ hear something after all...! The analysis registered two new sounds appearing in the background during each of the final communications. When we looked at the frequencies it all made sense: both were just beyond the range of human hearing. No wonder only Ferron heard it!

You know, the discoveries we've made today make the theory of a pirate raiding party increasingly _unlikely_. They fit in better with what might be expected in a military offensive, and one that obviously - to me, at least - carries the hallmarks of _meticulous_ planning. About ninety percent of the miners on Jebble are Human, or Near-Humans... who share the _same hearing range_. Most of the rough work is done by specialised mining droids, whose audioreceptors are tuned to normal Human and Near-Human vocal ranges. The minority ten percent of workers here who are neither Human nor Near-Human are largely stationed at the transport and shipping bays, where the constant movement of heavy transports, cargo and personnel makes for a **very **noisy working environment: these folk would, to a large extent, have become desensitised to noise _in general_.

What this means in practice is that there was _virtually nobody_ at any of the mines who would have heard anything out of the ordinary. It's not difficult to see the implications. Jebble is one of the great resource worlds of Taris, which the Republic has been trying to woo for ages. If someone wanted to pick a fight with the Republic, but stop short for the time being of an all-out declaration of war, the best way to do it would be by targetting parties, or interests with which the Republic has allied itself. Taris falls squarely into this category.

I did some asking around, and learned that the other resource worlds of Taris have experienced similar mysterious silences of late. This lends credence to the hypothesis that it's not lousy space pirates that we should be looking at, but an actual **invader**: someone has **really **done their homework.

Someone is planning something, and is doing so _very _carefully, with a great deal of forethought. That doesn't say 'pirate' to me so much as 'invading army'. Pirates are opportunistic, and favour quick hit-and-runs. They rely on speed, not tactics, to make their inroads and getaways. Invading armies cannot afford that kind of reckless opportunism. Pirates don't usually conduct their operations by stealth: the vanguard of an infiltrating army does.

_Frack_, holocron. If I'm right, this could mean the Republic is being threatened yet_ again_ - and we're **woefully** unprepared for war.

...I'm starting to think, too, that maybe all the 'crazy talk' about Mandies_ isn't_ so crazy after all.

**Frack**.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===


	5. Chapter 5

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Be very thankful you're not sentient, holocron. I haven't had a bath in two days, and I smell like a bantha.

We're on... Vanquo. Another resource world. The Knight leading our party agreed with my proposal to scout the other resource worlds of Taris, just to be sure. It never hurts to know _exactly what_ one might be up against. More reports of similarly appalling violence here, as on Tarnith. Suurja's our next destination: the worst-hit of the lot, by the sound of it. Predictably, the numerous adverse reports and grapevine talk has resulted in a drastic reduction in morale at all the factories and mines we've visited thus far. Plus, according to Alek, some workers are already planning on taking things into their own hands - largely because "management" is starting to look incompetent at protecting their interests. He says he overheard this while he was fixing his comlink: don't ask me _why_ he chose to do so in one of the common 'freshers.

Food for thought - government is essentially about management, on a far wider scale, and with vaster implications. The well-being of billions - literally _millions_ of _billions_ of beings, affected by every decision - great or small - made in the halls of power. I think people really take good government for granted. Beings can be so... shallow, and short-sighted, voting for candidates purely on the strength of one pet policy... or because they happen to _look_ good, or _talk_ smooth, or have the right 'connections' - there's just so much _superficiality_ in politics that I truly **cannot** abide it.

Sometimes, too, there's a lack of suitable candidates. ...leaving politics aside, I'm starting to think - what would an _ideal_ government be like? Strong, decisive... there are many hard decisions a government has to make, I'm sure... but so often what the Senate seems to do is to adopt a one-size-fits-all approach. What makes for **strong** government? How is 'strong government' defined? And... what is 'good governance'?

... Hmm. Never really thought about this before. I mean, I don't really like the Senate - certain folk within it, to be precise - but as a Jedi, my commitment ought to be to the _Republic_... and the Senate represents the Republic. Maybe I shouldn't be so critical, eh, holocron? For the record, I really do love the Republic and what it's done... for the most part. Everyone really did pitch in to fight off the Sith in the last great War, and it's always heartening to see people from all walks of life...beings from the farthest reaches of the galaxy, working hand-in-hand. I wish we could always be as united, and I wish Humans weren't always so damnably asinine and smallminded.

I'm rambling, aren't I? ...all of us are exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Is this what it's like, being in the frontline - in the field? Actually starting to _miss_ the morning meditation sessions back at the Enclave. This is... kind of freaky, since I never really liked them much to start with.

...Alek's already fast asleep. I should get some rest, too. Long day tomorrow.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

I'm in orbit, in a medbay. My head hurts! The medics have decided we ought to be taken off-duty. So we're going back to Dantooine, early... 'we' being Alek, Ferron and I.

Our Knight and F are still in the field. They should be making planetfall on Suurja anytime now. I hope to the Force they will be all right without us. Maybe it's my head injury, or the medications, or just the shock of having woken up to find myself in a medbay, but I have a terrible, nasty feeling that just won't go away.

I've sustained a moderate concussion, by the way. Alek has a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder. Ferron is receiving treatment for heavy particle inhalation. Yeah, I know...! What happened? An accident, that's what - and I recall very little of it, save that it happened at one of the incident sites we were investigating on Vanquo. F and our Knight had found traces of heavy machinery repair having been carried out in a partially-destroyed barn. Farms aren't known for engaging in heavy repair-work, so the existence of a sizeable workbench with large solder burns in it naturally caught our interest.

While the ladies were busy scraping up bits of welding and molten slag, sweeping the floor for traces of mineral ore and stuff for later analysis... you know, stuff like that - Alek and Ferron decided to have a closer look at the marks that were just about everywhere on the walls, to see if they could deduce just what had taken place - and how the barns and outhouses had all been destroyed. I decided to follow some oil spills.

Okay, okay... so... we got a little carried away, and for this I blame our collective addiction to that HoloVision production, 'Galactic Crime Scene Investigations'. I'll admit, it was kind of fun pretending we were all GCSIs. For about five minutes. On hindsight, what kind of half-baked moron GCSI conducts inspections _without_ helmets or other protective gear? ...the folk in the series always, always suit up in every episode -

...I guess we all assumed that our abilities with the Force would be sufficient to keep us out of harm's way.

We certainly know better now: a Jedi's ability to sense things through the Force generally can, and does, protect him - but there are _limits_. See, I was following some traces of oil, and the trail took me to the opposite side of a partially-collapsed wall behind which were Alek and Ferron. The wall looked rather shaky - so I stayed clear of it as much as possible, and commed Alek and Ferron not to approach the wall or get too near as it might collapse. Next thing I know, there's a nasty rumbling above me, and I tried to jump away - but my foot slipped on a patch of oil, and I ended up falling flat on my butt. Rocks were falling from the top of the wall onto me. I had just enough time to use the Force to push away one or two of the largest pieces, before getting hit on the head. That must've been when I blacked out, because the next thing I knew, I was already here.

I am damned lucky to be alive.

Evidently our Knight is not impressed with us. _I know_. I've _read_ the report she put up. Among other things, she reported that Alek spotted some blaster burns on his side of the wall and had (too hastily, in her opinion) scooted nearer to examine them, when the top of the wall suddenly collapsed - outwards. She wasn't certain about what happened next, but I've since learnt from one of the nurses here that Alek said that moments after the wall collapsed, a large piece of masonry crashed through the roof from nowhere, directly overhead of Ferron. Uh... I guess that must have been one of the rocks I managed to push away.

Sigh. So much for my hopes of proving myself on this mission and making Knight early.

Anyhow, Alek reacted by Force-jumping at Ferron, throwing him aside, taking the hit himself. He earned a dislocated shoulder for his heroics, and also a broken arm. Unfortunately, Alek underestimated the force with which he thrust Ferron aside, and poor Ferron found himself wedged firmly in a large exhaust pipe, choking on hideously polluted air, which tasted chemical, and reportedly "had bits in it".

It seems that it took F a full two minutes or thereabouts to pull Ferron out of the pipe. By that time he had already coughed and choked himself into unconsciousness, and had to be given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I think it's highly ironic that the first kiss Ferron's had from a girl was not because she wanted to kiss him, but because she _had_ to, in order to save his life. You know how tetchy the Cathar can get with, ah... things of a more... _physical_ nature. I'm not suggesting anything, mind - but... yeah, I wonder - does getting kissed by a girl count as anything particularly _important_ with the Cathar? I mean, is a kiss considered like... **taboo**, or something, uh... you know, _intimate_? Of the... 'you're SO dead, sonny, time to get engaged or hitched' variety...? Ha, ha, ha... Ferron will **freak out** if it's suggested to him at this stage. Alek's sure to bust a rib laughing at this.

Our Knight has left instructions for us. We're to take the collected ore and other samples back to Dantooine, and have them analysed for composition and provenance.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

The analysis reports just came out. What the hell! _Mandalorian iron_?

**Mandalorians**!

My suspicions were correct - it _is_ the Mandalorians... _again_! We're **not** prepared for war! I mean, there's been no formal declaration of war, not yet... but these are _Mandalorians_ - **anytime** is War Time with those lot -

I have to warn F, and our Knight. NOW.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===


	6. Chapter 6

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Frack!

I am so worried. And afraid! Yes, _afraid_ - I'm scared for F, and our Knight. It's been _three hours_... Alek and I have been desperately trying to contact them. We've tried everything - _everything_! ...communicators, the usual secured channel, even urgent Holomail... and there's been - **nothing**. Nothing! No response whatsoever - which is frightening, because Suurja's administrators are amongst the most anal-retentive _sods_ in all of Republic space. They would **never** ignore something marked 'Urgent' and sent by a representative of the Order, and the fact that they've not even acknowledged our missive - I mean, something has to be_ desperately_ wrong... oh, Force - what if it's _too late_? What if the Mandies have already... already _got_ there...?

...no, no. This is the wrong attitude. There must be _something_ we've missed, our Knight is a very well-trained, capable woman, and she's got F with her. They'll be fine. I hope.

Alek and I were so desperate to reach F and our Knight that we even seriously considered slicing into the ancillary interstellar communications system on this medical station for the sake of - well, I don't know. Frankly the reasons Alek and I thought it might be a great idea made a lot of sense at the time, but we decided against it ultimately because the risk of unwittingly provoking a serious security breach and thereby disgracing the Order was just too real.

Frack. What_ else_ can we do, holocron? The news of "bandit incursions" is breaking on the HoloNet, and panic is spreading in several sectors of Republic space, especially settlement and factory worlds similar to Vanquo and Tarnith. The level of speculation is _insane_: some folk say it's the Krath, others talk of alien invasion from Wild Space... but _nobody_ is mentioning the _Mandalorians_.

Nobody _wants_ to mention the Mandalorians, for obvious reasons. Even Alek and I daren't think too much about it... despite what we've seen, and... and - oh, _Force_... there's no escaping it, is there? It **is** the Mandalorians. They're _invading_. I'll bet my last credit and my lightsaber on it. And F and our Knight are out there, on Suurja - _alone_.

Alone! The thought sends a cold shiver down my spine. I don't know what to do, holocron. Alek is as worried as I am. We've kept this from Ferron because he's... rather delicate right now. There was something mixed in with the stuff he inhaled that is mildly toxic to about 13% of the Cathar population. It acts like a mild poison. I'm not big on toxicology, but anything that makes Ferron's fur fall out by the handful can't be good for him.

Am I over-thinking it? _I don't know_. Maybe I _am_ thinking too much. Master Kae did use to say that I tended to 'brood'. But what if I'm **not** being 'broody' or paranoid? My instincts tell me something is _seriously_ wrong. Every nerve in my body is screaming at me that F and our Knight are in serious, _serious_ danger - if not already, then very soon... and they need to be warned, they need to get somewhere safe, quickly -

Force. We can't do _anything_, holocron, and that's what frustrates me the most. The Mandalorians are _vicious_ bastards: I'll _never_ forget what they did to the people on Vanquo and Tarnith. Never! Such _torture_ - the mutilation, the suffering those poor people must have endured before they died, it's unspeakable, holocron. It makes me so sad, and angry and horrified just to think on it - how can any sentient wilfully commit such acts of atrocity upon others? What kind of sick, twisted, **evil **malignancy can countenance such horrors being perpetrated in the name of conquest?

...oh, Force. I just had the most horrible thought. F and our Knight are females! Women! Master Kae said that terrible things happen to females unfortunate enough to be captured alive in wars... what if F and our Knight have been taken captive -

=== RECORDING ENDED ====

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

...Suurja's lost, holocron. Lost. There were only a handful of survivors. All of them had their tongues cut out... a sort of barbaric warning. F's body was found by the search droids. She'd been hewed in several pieces. Her lightsaber is gone, too. Probably taken as a souvenir. Our Knight is still missing, and has been presumed dead. It sounds so wrong to say this, but... I _hope_ she's dead. For her sake, I truly, truly do. The thought of - of the indignity that she might have to suffer otherwise... nobody should have to go through that. No one.

And, F's body - I - I don't want to think about what I saw, or... or what I know happened on Suurja - whatever little of it... but I need to talk to someone, get this off my chest, out of my head - this is one of those times I'm so glad I built you, holocron. Alek is a great guy and my best friend, but he's as traumatised as I am now, and... sometimes people just need to deal with things alone.

They asked if Alek and I would be so kind as to... look through a couple holos of - of bodies... from Suurja. See if, well... if there was... anyone we recognised. Frack. Kriffing _worst_ job I've ever been asked to do. Neither of us wanted to say 'yes', but we couldn't say 'no', either.

She was in the seventeenth holo. They tried their best to... you know, make... make her look presentable... like she was... in one piece, but -

We cried when we saw that holo. And then, there were the - the others. Nameless faces to us, but, but - they all had families, people who loved them... and now they're gone. Just like that. Because of the Mandalorians.

I feel so _guilty_, holocron. I feel so guilty that I'm still here, _alive_, when I should have been there on Suurja with F and our Knight. He hasn't said so, but I'm sure Alek is having similar thoughts. The only reason either of us is safe and warm and alive is because we were being idiot Padawans and making nerfherders of ourselves, mucking about pretending to be GCSIs. We're not alive and safe because we _deserve_ to be - like, I... yes, my mind is telling me that I'm being completely irrational, that it's not my fault, but I cannot deny that I feel guilty, holocron: _guilty to the gut_ that I am still alive, and F is cold and dead; and our Knight is Force knows where.

F didn't deserve to die, holocron! She was a good Jedi, she would have made Knight soon - and now, she never will.

The three of us have been summoned back to Dantooine. We've an hour to pack up. A shuttle will take us to a Republic capital ship lurking somewhere in the system. I've been given F's Padawan braid to bring back to her Master.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Master Zhar and I had a long talk, holocron. Or, more accurately, I talked for a long time to Master Zhar... he was very sympathetic. Not that you - you're wonderful, holocron, as in - you know, you sit there and listen to whatever I have to say, and I really appreciate that, but...

...it's kind of better to - you know, talk to a _real_ being sometimes. Someone who doesn't just listen to what you're saying, but 'gets' the stuff you're feeling, too. You're just not made that way.

He helped address many of the issues that have been bothering me since Suurja. Remember what I said about feeling guilty for being alive? He called it "survivor's guilt", which encapsulates very well exactly how I felt. I... can't honestly say that I _don't_ feel any more guilt now, but... but at least, now I don't feel so disgusted at myself. Before he went to bed, Master Zhar gave me something to think about: "The meaning of life is purpose, and our purpose should be to live meaningfully."

After our talk had ended, I went for a walk around the Enclave, because I just didn't feel like sleeping. The Enclave is so beautiful, so serene and peaceful... the Force washes over it, gently - like the running waters of a stream, soothing the heart and mind. And I started to think about what Master Zhar had said. Purpose. Life, lived meaningfully... a purpose-filled life. It took me until daybreak to fully appreciate the depth of what Master Zhar meant: as Jedi, our lives are not our own. We're meant to live as ones dedicated to seeking, and _following_ the Will of the Force, the Living Force. That is our _purpose_. There is _meaning_ in following the Will of the Force, for in so doing, a Jedi is faithfully accomplishing the task that the Force has laid out for him or her - fulfilling the role that they were set to fill. What could be more meaningful than faithfully filling the role, however humble, that the Force has in mind for you?

He's a deep one, Master Zhar. You know, holocron... I'm terribly fortunate. Not every Padawan is lucky enough to have a Master who will stay up late to wait for a late-night transport to land, in case their Padawan "needed to talk". Master Zhar did that for me, and it's not as if I was truly his 'own' Padawan - more like he's 'adopted' me after... Master Kae had to go. His acceptance means so much to me, holocron. I'll never forget it, just like I'll never forget Master Kae and all she taught me.

Someday, when I take a Padawan of my own - I want to be a Master like that.

It makes **all** the difference.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===


	7. Chapter 7

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Good morning, holocron! Today is my birthday - I'm officially nineteen! The guys pooled their credits and bought me a miniature toolkit. I can't imagine how long they saved up for it. Needless to say, I'm touched.

Our little enclave here on Dantooine is abuzz with excitement: some Knights from Taris are visiting. Visiting Knights don't ordinarily cause a stir, but these guys are _special_. They happen to be Master Krynda Hulis' former Padawans. _Master Krynda_! Widow of the celebrated Jedi hero, _Barrison Draay_! There isn't a single Jedi who doesn't know who he is! He was _fantastically_ rich - one of the richest men in his sector of the galaxy, an entrepreneurial _genius_, a man with what Master Kae called "the Golden Touch". Gossip has it that he was wealthy enough to have bought several moons for his private use: I don't know how true that is, but - _man_, what an achiever!

Yeah... okay, okay - I admit that I'm a _huge_ fan of Barrison Draay. Pity he died so young, though.

And you know what? He gave it all up. All of it! Donated everything he had to the Order, save for certain key assets which were held in trust for any future non Force-sensitive Draay descendants. Rumour has it that the requisite paperwork took an _entire _standard year to complete.

That's a _lot_ to give up. A lesser man couldn't have done it, but Barrison Draay did. _That_, I think, is what it means to not have attachments. 'Attachments' aren't necessarily what more and more folk these days are saying, i.e. that Jedi can't have... feelings for other people. Barrison Draay truly modelled selflessness and unfathomable generosity, coupled with good old common sense, for generations of Jedi to come.

Hmm. One of the visiting Knights is his son. Do you think he's anything like his old man? Wonder what he's doing here. Knights usually visit Dantooine for the purpose of inspecting our collection of younglings. Actually - that might be it. Padawan-shopping. Which means, he'll probably visit the -

...I think... yes, worth a try...

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Lucien Draay is _nothing_ like his father.

My hunch was right. Our visitors did go to the creche, in fact, they were observing the older children when I arrived. My heart was pounding with anticipation, and I did my best to appear nonchalant. Everything was going ok, but then I messed it up by asking, "Are you Lucien Draay?" How _stupid_ can you be, Revan? Embarrassing, but what Lucien said next made it worse.

He said, "See any other Draays around here?" - which was terribly rude, not to mention he didn't even bother _looking_ at me. Shocking. Looked towards the floor in my perplexity - that's when I noticed that Lucien was holding hands with one of his companions: a Miralukan lady. _That_ surprised me, because typically those Jedi that do have... relationships try to keep them quiet and low-profile. I mean, not that there's anything _wrong_ with having a relationship if you're a Jedi, but it's kind of starting to be - you know, politically incorrect in _certain_ circles. This sounds totally ridiculous, but there are some Masters here - like _Atris_ - who you really _don't _want to piss off. Know what I mean? That's why I keep telling Alek that he's got to stop being so damn _obvious_ when he makes passes at girls... I keep wondering when his luck will run out and one of them will _slap _him - well, anyway, as I was saying - that's how things are on Dantooine. So I was rather surprised. Which made me hiccough. Then I _totally_ put my foot in my mouth by saying something along the lines of how I didn't know Master Draay had a girlfriend, and what's her name - oh _Force_, Alek will never let me hear the end of it if he knew...

I wasn't really expecting Lucien to answer me - and it didn't cross my mind that _she_ might - but she _did_. Her name's Q'Anilia. She had just started to talk to me when Lucien butted in. He was pointing to a skinny Human boy. Then he said, "That one will do. He'll be good for a laugh, if nothing else."

For the second time, I was _stunned_. Looked up to see _which_ child Lucien was pointing at: recognised Zayne Carrick immediately. He'd just had _another_ one of his famous 'little accidents'. That's when I stopped being embarrassed and shocked, and started getting _mad_. Zayne might be the galaxy's biggest _klutz_, but he's the _most _good-natured child around! He's honest, polite, friendly, genuine and... and well, _so what_ if he's an accident waiting to happen? That doesn't make him a lesser person! What kind of teacher chooses a student because he thinks it'll be grand to _laugh_ at him?

Poor Zayne...! He doesn't deserve to be treated like this... and there's nothing I can do to help him, holocron. The name of Draay is so synonymous with selflessness and honour that _nobody_ would believe me if I said that Lucien is an _arse_, and shouldn't be allowed to have a Padawan. This just isn't _fair_.

..._man_. You know - I'm going to go sit in the garden and clear my head, maybe meditate. Enjoy the rest of my birthday.

=== RECORDING ENDED ===

=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===

Aargh! I need to bitch to someone, and it can't be Alek.

Listen - in just twenty-four hours I've had not one, but _two_ run-ins with folk whose heads are bigger than they have any _right_ to be. First that Draay asshole, now Bastila Shan! What a way to spend my birthday...! And I thought the garden would be _peaceful_...!

"The Gift", indeed. I swear, holocron! You could literally _hear_ the capitals in her speech! I bet _anyone_ can learn Battle Meditation if they put their minds to it. She just has a natural advantage, that's all! Sheesh! Why in the Force did I even bother...? All I wanted to do was to say hello, and introduce myself since she and her friends sit near us every mealtime - what - I don't even - how is asking about someone's homeworld _personal_? And for crying out loud, woman - just because a guy invites you and your friends for a walk after dinner doesn't mean he's _interested_ in you, he might just be friendly!

And I am at a loss as to how she made the leap from someone being romantically interested in her to, to - Battle Meditation. _Huh_? What? Clearly, her implication was that the only reason I (a) wanted to talk to her, (b) was allegedly "interested" in her, and (c) inviting her and her friends for a walk... is because she's supremely gifted with _The Gift_. Holy raving banthas - are all girls this _mental_? Or is it just Bastila?

Do you know, she more or less accused me of straying from the Jedi path by finding her attractive? Yes, what the frack - straying...! And, attractive? _Her_? I'd need to be mind-wiped!

=== RECORDING ENDED ===


End file.
